五年ほど前の話。実家の母が癌で亡くなった。程なくして前妻と別れた。ずっと続くと思っていたものがあっけなく終わった。母が病室にいる時もその後も何の役に立つかわからないけれどシャッターを切った。実家と東京を往復しながら半ば義務であるかのように写真を撮った。写真は撮られたその瞬間から現実とは違う方向へ走り出す。ましてや撮ったときの気持ちなんて写るわけがない。気持ちが写っているように見えたならばそれは写真に騙されている。にも関わらず撮った自分自身が写真を見返して騙され記憶に刷り込まれる。それでいい。一枚一枚写真を撮り続けながら僕はほんの少しずつ都合よく記憶を書き換える。そうすることによってだけ前に進むことができる。いや前に進むことができると信じたい。
2020年11月
It was five years ago. My mom died from cancer in my hometown. Shortly thereafter, I broke up with my former wife. Things that I had thought would last forever ended all too soon. During the time my Mom was in the hospital, and also afterward, I continued to take photographs, although I wasn't sure what purpose it would serve. While traveling back and forth from Tokyo to Fukuoka I almost felt as if I had to continue taking photographs.
My photographs escaped from the moment that they had captured to someplace other than reality. Well, photographs can't show the feelings of the photographer at the moment he took them. If it appears that a photograph has captured emotion, that photograph is deceiving you. Even so, when I look back at the photographs that I myself took, their deception is imprinted in my memory. But that is fine. As I continue to take photographs one after another, I very gradually rewrite my memories as I wish. And it is only in that way that I can move forward. Well, I want to believe that I can move forward.
November 2020.